Wals Reds – “Just thugs!” – JB

JB hit out at Mr Wal’s ‘Triad tactics’ today following the defeat at the Highcroft Arena.

“What can you say?  There is one reason, and one reason only that Mr Wal plays tactics like that – because it’s a local derby and it incites the crowd.  Today’s game had nothing to do with skill – our boys were fighting for their life out there today.”

“There also has to be a question of referee intimidation.  I know its very easy to blame poor refereeing, but Michael Steen is a 7 skilled referee – when he allows a sustained beating-up on the pitch, which has put poor Roger Klijnhout, our No1 keeper in hospital, and out for at least 5 games, you have to seriously question what is going on!”

The beating, which went on for 5 minutes, and involved Wilfred Teather and 2 ‘oriental-looking’ supporters went unpunished while Alfeo Scapolo slotted the ball home.”

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Roger Klinjhout recovers in hospital after his 5 minute beating

“This was not the start we hoped for in our new ground.  The builders, who after a bit of a shaky start, eventually pulled out all the stops and got the new Arena finished in style.”

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The new Highcroft Arena 

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JB feared suicide

weymoth-beach2.jpg JB’s clothes on beach

Fears grew for the safety of JB after his clothes were found on Weymouth beach, the scene of his high speed boat accident some weeks ago.

JB has been quoted as saying that the beach held fond memories for him and he especially enjoyed the view on his last visit.

Anyone with any information about JB are urged to contact Martin Robertson at the usual e-mail address.

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JB in near fatal crash

JB narrowly escaped death this morning whilst playing with his new ‘toy’.  It emerged that he has had no guidance on how to control the superboat he won in the M-F League logo competition, and was last seen alone disappearing out of Weymouth Harbour, with the harbour-master yelling at him to slow down.

speed_boat_crash_sm.jpg JB hits the post

Some 30 minutes later, in a sight so reminiscent of the Hornets attack, JB hit the post leaving the boat impaled on a marker bouy some three miles out of the harbour.  JB was thrown clear of the stricken craft and later picked up by the local air-sea rescue crew.

weath11.jpg JB is winched to safety

After being admitted to hospital, Jane Marple drove down to visit him, only to find him walking out of the hospital doors.  “Take me home babe.” Was all he said.

The pair left in Jane’s Jaguar, with JB refusing to talk to reporters.

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Friendly fire…

“For a friendly game, that was one hell of a tackle on Brian Wade!” Said JB.

“However, it did highlight the strengths of our defence that we could lose a major name and still defend admirably. Our problem is undoubtedly in attack – we just seem to lack that zest in front of goal.” He added.

Hal Brekin, a signing from Florida Flopsies who describes himself as ‘all American’ agreed:

“Ah yes, be jeysus, I agrees w’dat be gorra. We always seem to slip up in dat final turd.”

“But you’re a striker, isn’t that your ‘place of work’ so to speak?” Asked one of the hacks.

“Ah! To be sure, to be sure! But oim jus saying. Ohh, can I jus say ‘hello’ to me Auntie Nimah an Uncle Padraig in Cork and o’course me Ma an Pa back in me home town of Orlando, Florida.”

JB came over and smacked him in the mouth.

“Well if you’re American…” JB said “…you’ll be used to being hit by one of your own!”

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The fixtures

“Ohhhh! I don’t like it!” JB announced at his first offical Fizzy Pop press conference.

“Girls united first match!  That’s pressure alright!  Although have they played any friendlies yet?” He asked.

“They beat Kies Villans 3 -1.” Came a shout from the back.

“Did they? Jeez! They nearly made it into the top didn’t they?”

The press corp comfirmed this was true.

“JANE!” JB shouted. “Get some Barbies and Sindy’s and the biggest dolls house you can find.  We’re taking no chances on this one – she needs a distraction!”

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Pleased

JB was said to be ‘Pleased’ with the result following the recent friendly.

“We played a tight game, with a good few chances, and defended very well. Although Wilden did make a game of it in the second half especially, so it was no pushover!” He said.

“Our next game – Bradford Magic is going to be tough though. We cannot afford to rest on our laurels against them – despite us putting nine goals past them in our two meetings with no reply, it was quite a while ago, and I know they have had a blinding last season. I think that history is the only indicator of the result in this as the teams have changed so much. Historical figures aren’t really relevent any longer – except for burnt out hacks and commentators!”

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Update confusion

JB was the second manager to comment on the season updates.

“I just don’t get it.” He started

“No visible change? ‘Stormin’ Staunton has been on no less than 15 all season, 9 X11 places and STILL doesn’t make a skill box change!”

“He’s not the only one – Youngsters Daley Fisher, Phil Mohan and Ronnie McIndoe have all been in fine form all season, and nothing!”

“Although conversely, there are a few turkeys that haven’t changed the other way, so I suppose you have to take the rough with the smooth.”

“So how come you ended up bottom of the league JB?” Asked Ben McGuire [Sporting Post]

“I really can’t understand it. But it’s sort of like Radio Shack in reverse.”

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/even_ceo_cant_figure_out_how

We’ll be back in the Premiership next season, you see if we’re not!”

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