“Ohhhh! I don’t like it!” JB announced at his first offical Fizzy Pop press conference.
“Girls united first match! That’s pressure alright! Although have they played any friendlies yet?” He asked.
“They beat Kies Villans 3 -1.” Came a shout from the back.
“Did they? Jeez! They nearly made it into the top didn’t they?”
The press corp comfirmed this was true.
“JANE!” JB shouted. “Get some Barbies and Sindy’s and the biggest dolls house you can find. We’re taking no chances on this one – she needs a distraction!”
JB was said to be ‘Pleased’ with the result following the recent friendly.
“We played a tight game, with a good few chances, and defended very well. Although Wilden did make a game of it in the second half especially, so it was no pushover!” He said.
“Our next game – Bradford Magic is going to be tough though. We cannot afford to rest on our laurels against them – despite us putting nine goals past them in our two meetings with no reply, it was quite a while ago, and I know they have had a blinding last season. I think that history is the only indicator of the result in this as the teams have changed so much. Historical figures aren’t really relevent any longer – except for burnt out hacks and commentators!”
JB was the second manager to comment on the season updates.
“I just don’t get it.” He started
“No visible change? ‘Stormin’ Staunton has been on no less than 15 all season, 9 X11 places and STILL doesn’t make a skill box change!”
“He’s not the only one – Youngsters Daley Fisher, Phil Mohan and Ronnie McIndoe have all been in fine form all season, and nothing!”
“Although conversely, there are a few turkeys that haven’t changed the other way, so I suppose you have to take the rough with the smooth.”
“So how come you ended up bottom of the league JB?” Asked Ben McGuire [Sporting Post]
“I really can’t understand it. But it’s sort of like Radio Shack in reverse.”
We’ll be back in the Premiership next season, you see if we’re not!”
The press gathered at the Highcroft Arena as news broke of the dirty trix campaign aimed at Newnham Rover earlier this week.
JB, still in a sombre mood following the relegation stood up behind the table which was looking a little wobbly.
“I stand here to apologise for the dirty trix campaign that was waged against Newnham. Although I was not directly involved, as the manager I must carry the can. It turns out that when I put Twiggy on the transfer list he saw red and began rumour-mongering to the press. However, we only found this out when we got our bank statement this morning and noticed there was a fair amount of cash gone. The police have been informed and Twiggy will take no further part in our season.”
The press were in uproar as JB made a sharp exit stage left and ran to Jane’s waiting Jaguar.
JB finally spilt the beans over the alleged dirty trix campaign over Newnham Rovers.
He wouldn’t speak directly to the press as he said he felt his principles were already compromised by what he’s done.
Miss Marple finally solved the mystery. [I’ve waited long enough to deliver that line! – Ed.] At least partially.
“JB wishes to announce that he has made the club’s financial statement available to Scriv for his perusal. He expects Scriv to respond forthwith.”
“JB also wishes to add that this is a statement of the society we live in today, when you have to prove your innocence rather than have your guilt proved – ‘lazy policing’ he called it.”
“He also added that he felt that today was a sad day for him, Scriv, X11 and British justice. He also stated that from now on he was going to pop into his local police station every day to let them know his whereabouts during the previous 24 hours, so that he could be ruled out of any criminal activity that may have occurred.”
“Finally, he stated that he was unaware that the Wyrley manager was actually a Scouser. He was referring to the accusation the manager had made when accusing JB of the dirty trix. ‘(Arrh, eh) give us a clue do’. Cos deh do dat roun dere don’t deh?”
Following JB’s tirade at Scriv, it was left to Jane Marple to tidy up.
“Look, I’m sorry about JB’s outburst, but he’s obviously under a lot of stress, although I do agree he does bring up a number of goodd points. However, I do have a prepared statement about the future of the club, and that of the management structure.”
“Firstly, I can confirm that JB’s contract is not in jeopardy. He will continue to lead the club back into the Premiership next season. Secondly, all our playing staff have committed to playing for us next season, but we have put a couple of players on the transfer list, and will be looking for new signings during the close season.”
Jane than put the paper she was reading from down.
“And this is from me. Just like real life – this summer will see the Hornets buzzing round the top of the fizzy pop, annoying the hell out of everyone!” She winked and walked out to a standing ovation from the press corp.
It was a sombre JB and Jane Marple that entered the press room following the match against Newnham Rovers which saw the Hornets relegated to the fizzy pop.
“I can’t begin to tell you how disappointed we all are at the Highcroft Arena.” Began JB.
“If I’m honest, we haven’t been too consistent all season, and we suffered with Donovan Perry being a) out of form and then b) injured.”
“But what about the dirty trix?” said Mike Trabant of The Sport.
“Look, I’m sick of this. Let me point out a few salient fact shall I? And I hope you’re reading this Ken Twoddle. I think it’s fair to say, that I was the most vociferous in my disapproval of the dirty trix option at the beginning of the season. Check out the ‘Season 3 league format’ discussion on the forum. Secondly, if dirty trix are allowed, who can then complain about it anyway if you agreed to it? And now Scriv has got people printing out their financial statements to prove it wasn’t them! Surely that’s against League admin rules? Oh yeah, I forgot – he IS league admin. Never look at the top when you look for corruption, look at the second in charge! If clubs were SUPPOSED to disclose that sort of information, it would be there for all to see. Scriv is just a bully. Well I can tell you something, I stand up to bullies these days. And we should stamp it out of football NOW! You won’t catch me giving up that sort of info, not because I’ve anything to hide, but because it goes against the spirit of X11. He’ll be saying next I had two rackets when I beat him at squash this morning. Anyhow I don’t care what he thinks, I look at the football, not the politics and that’s all I’m saying on the matter.”